What to Say Instead of “Use Your Words”

We’ve all said it… “Use your words!”

But when kids are overwhelmed, upset, tired or still learning how to communicate, they often can’t use their words in that moment and that’s okay.

When children are dysregulated (i.e., struggling to control their emotions or behaviours as they may be emotional, overwhelmed, tired, overstimulated, etc), their language skills can temporarily shut down. They may struggle to process what we’re saying, answer questions or explain how they feel. And for some children, hearing “use your words” can actually add more pressure when they’re already overwhelmed.

There are more supportive ways to help children communicate!

1. First, help them feel safe

Before we focus on communication, we need to help regulate the child’s nervous system. A calm, connected child is much more able to communicate than a child in fight, flight or freeze mode.

You might try:

• “I’m here.”

• “You’re safe.”

• “Let’s do some deep breaths together.”

• Sitting quietly beside them

• Offering a cuddle, comfort toy or calming activity

• Using bubbles, music, movement or playdough to co-regulate

Sometimes less talking is actually more helpful.

2. Model the words for them

Children can’t use language they don’t yet have. Instead of asking them to figure out the words independently, model simple phrases they can easily copy.

For example:

• “Help please.”

• “My turn.”

• “Stop.”

• “I don’t like that.”

• “I need help.”

• “Can I have a turn?”

• “Go away.”

This teaches children what to say without putting them on the spot.

3. Pause and give them time

When children are overwhelmed, processing language can take longer. After modelling language, pause and wait.

We often rush to fill the silence, repeat ourselves or ask lots of questions, but giving children extra processing time can make a huge difference.

4. Offer choices

Choices reduce pressure and make communication feel more achievable.

Try:

• “Do you want help or a break?”

• Offer them choices - “This one or that one?”

• “Do you want me to stay or give you space?”

• Once the child is calm, ask them to take your hand to lead you or use their hands to tell you‌

• Use visuals! You can print pictures of emotions or core words (i.e., stop, help, more) that they can point to

‌Remember communication isn’t just talking

Children communicate in so many ways through gestures, facial expressions, body language, pointing, sounds and visuals.

Visual supports like emotion charts or core word boards (e.g., help, stop, more, finished) can be really helpful, especially during big feelings when spoken words are harder to access.

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t perfect words in the middle of a meltdown. The goal is helping children feel understood, supported and safe enough for communication to happen.

Sometimes, instead of “use your words,” what children really need to hear is: “I’m here to help.”